*sigh*

sometimes i feel like i just try too dang hard. or else not hard enough.

the problem is that most of my life, i've been able to get by on menial effort and a few cram sessions. but this God thing ... you can't cram God.

and this bothers me, because it requires commitment and daily effort. i don't have to try every day at ANYTHING (which might be why diets fail ... but i digress), and i get by just fine. but not God.

i really really really want to have the deep sort of relationship with God, full of faith and intimacy, that i see in my role models. i don't want the doubt and questioning that i battle so much. i want to KNOW that God is God and that He is real and genuinely concerned with me. i want to be affected, completely transformed, by God.

i'm sick of second-guessing myself, of second-guessing everything i'm told. i'm sick of second-guessing God, and scrutinizing every word that is preached behind the pulpit. i'm sick of missing the forest for the trees.

i'm sick of being a jerk. i'm tired of being rude. i don't want to be an elitist anymore. what the heck do i have to be so arrogant about anyway? am i so insecure that i have to make myself exclusive in order to feel popular?

yeah, that's probably true.

clearly, i don't have enough God, and i'm scared of what'll happen if i try to step out of my mediocrity.

seriously, it scares the bejesus out of me to think about how drastically God would change me if i would let Him. for some reason, i'm so worried about missing something "here" that i refuse to really go "there".

and this whole blogging thing ... its probably narcissism at its finest. or, its worst. either way, there's something mildly disconcerting about my willingness to share fairly intimate details with all of cyberspace (and none of my blogs are private, so what i write here, everyone can see), and to think that you all actually care what i have to say. seriously, i'm not even a little bit important.

my ego is nearly out of control, compensating for a lack of self-confidence. my diagnosis is easy, but treating it is ... well, it's more complicated than i think even i realize.

how did i end up so dang screwed up?