Snooki Wrote a Book? A Venn Diagram

snooki, snookie, snooki book, snooki a shore thing, a shore thing, jersey, shore, jersey shore, MTV, america, downfall, destruction, television, TV, the downfall of america, the destruction of america, the end of the world, end, world, memoir, literature, books, illiteracy, stupid, white, trash No. She didn't.

I'd bet she's never read a book in her life.

I'm pretty sure she doesn't know how to read.

I've never met Snooki, but I saw about 30 seconds of Jersey Shore once. On accident.

I can hear what you're saying - "Brad, are you saying that you could tell that Snooki was a living example of the failure of public education in this country in only 30 seconds?"

No, it took me about 10 seconds. I spent the last 20 seconds trying to figure out if her mother used drugs during pregnancy. Or if she was related to her father.

Seriously, I like television. I enjoy watching television. It's not a sin, and it doesn't monopolize my time. But if there was ever a time that I understood the WPF's irrational prohibition of the technology, it's when MTV announces the upcoming season of Jersey Shore.

*sigh*

Snooki was quoted on a WSJ blog:

My castmates are very surprised that I’m an author ‘cause they didn’t even know that I read books.

Snooki, sweetheart - and I mean this as patronizing as humanly possible - none of us did. As I said before, none of us believe that you can even read.

Below, however, is what the publishers of A Shore Thing didn't consider before they published the book:

snooki, snookie, jersey, shore, jersey shore, a shore thing, venn, diagram, venn diagram, comic, humorAnother circle that would heavily overlap the red circle and not come close to the purple circle could be labelled "People Who Know How To Read".

And, to justify my completely biased, one-sided assault on the book, the author, and anyone who likes the book or the author, I post the following excerpts:

“She didn’t like being called a slut, either. Even if she was.”

“But now, like a chronic STD, Gia was back.”

“Your breath smells like lime. And tequila. And . . . pickles?”

Please, if you love this country, or literature, or freedom, or even kittens, please don't buy this book. Steal it from the bookstores and burn it in the parking lot. But don't buy it. Please. I beg of you.