update and lament

school has started back this past week, and things are looking good. i'm taking physics, chemistry, philosophy, spanish, and doing an independent study in history. i had an interview for a job yesterday to wait tables, and i have another interview monday to work as a market assistant for a commercial real estate firm. that could be really cool.

but, the lament. i blew it with a girl i'd been talking to. honestly, i really kinda liked this girl. she's smart, sarcastic, strong-willed, argumentative, spunky, fiesty, and absolutely beautiful. seriously, she's so dang cute. plus, she's like 4'10", and so the short jokes abound. she's super-involved in her church, and she is musical and she sings ... these are all great things. she's got these great blue eyes that i can just see lighting up fiercely when she gets mad or is in a mood, and she has the cutest freckles and sandy blonde, super curly hair. she's just awesome. we can chat on the phone for hours about just 'stuff,' whether it be relationships, or just random chatting about our days and our family and friends and goings on. we agree on a lot - the really important stuff - and we bicker about what we don't agree on. i love talking to her.

but, like everything else, i blew it. i always do. i pushed too hard, wanted too much, too fast, and she took off. now its wierd between us, and i don't think she gets it. i really did - i do - like her, but now when we talk, it's uncomfortable. she basically told me its not gonna happen - ever - and now i have to deal with the reality.

my friend sarah tells me that i'm just desperate to get in a relationship, and anita has reminded me time and again that i need to be content in the state that i'm in. but i'm lonely. that's the thing. i'm really lonely. i've spend the past week-ish thinking about past relationships that all fell apart. back in the day, i dated jasmine and allison, and both of those could have been long-term and substantial, but i wasn't ready for a serious relationship. i was too immature, too selfish, and i just couldn't jump into the whole bit about engagement or marriage. that wasn't working, so i always found excuses to get out.

now i'm ready. i want to meet someone - someone who is all the things i'm not, but loves me for who and what i am - and fall in love. and now i wonder if i didn't miss out on 'the one' before.

anyway, sorry to the people that i may have hurt the past week or so. sarah and anita, you're both probably right. i'm having a tough time right now.